Through restless nights and dreamless sleeps, our home riddled with nightmares and an oppression not soon forgotten. Humbled under the weight, a tiny fraction of what God has to bear, we plunder through the dark like blind who have just lost their sight. Suddenly, a resting place becomes one of fear and secret. For what lies beneath and under all the shifting lights and shadows, but our own imaginations incandescent and illuminating.
We screamed into the darkness as sleep fled from us and we emerged from yet another nightmare. I held you and we let the silence cover us. For we had no answers…only beating hearts, just learning to survive in this world of whispers. What can we do? What is there to do? For we are only human, and in our tears, we see no further.
I walk this lonely path, holding God’s word in one hand, my fear in another. I know I cannot go down this path, clutching these two forever. An imbalance rises in my system, alerts my senses. Ambush, attack, fight…These words bombard my mind like shells from the sky. We cannot surrender ourselves, we cannot give up our home.
I see the waves coming to shore, and going out into the invisible horizon. They are fluid, sublime and sometimes I wish they would take me to their destination over the world. In the stars, I wish for one of the dancing angels to bring me its light and peace. But in my tears, I realise God is all I have, all I need to win this war.
Maybe we can recalibrate, and maybe we can learn to breathe again, in these new waters…this new world God has brought us into. Perhaps we are meant to be brave and to stand firm, and be renewed into the spiritual warriors God always destined for us to be.
A ray of daylight breaks in the utter distance, almost inconceivable, almost palpable. I feel the spirits all around me…I feel God holding me. This journey of a thousand days has broken me inside out, torn my world so it lies like a once beautiful garment in shreds upon a burning floor.
But in our strivings and ceasings, fallings and failings, we are breaking everything but nothing…
For in our deepest, darkest tears…we are found.
