It’s strange without you around. It’s always hard to miss someone. You go through the motions of the day, you meet other people you love, it is fun and seems filling…but at the end of it all, I return home, and realise your absence inside and out. It is the stone at the pit of your stomach that settles there, quiet but threatening to swallow you whole. It is that part of my heart that has come out of where it belongs, and is 10,000 miles removed from me. It is the memory I keep replaying to keep you with me. It is your presence my existence lacks. It is the distance that kills me slowly.
I believe missing someone has become more than emotional to me. It’s psychosomatic, an infirmity for me. That part of your soul you’ve created with another is now left void and waiting. When will the next time be? Life is so indefinite, and we live in between spaces of time just trying to survive. It all hangs in the balance, but sometimes I wonder how necessary all this is. I guess it is, why else then would God have it so.
I wonder if there’ll ever be a time in my life where I’ll stop missing someone. At any one point, there always is somebody to muse over, to miss all over. It becomes painful, a dull ache in the heart one can’t get rid off. It’s one of those things that isn’t strong enough for medication to work on, but cannot be completely shaken off either. It’s just there, an underlying and lurking grey menace, tantalising my heartstrings all the time.
The only remedy for me is if I know the other doesn’t miss me too. Somehow that helps, as I am not one for unreciprocated love. It heals the ache within days until the next attack. But when both are torn up and wishing to be with each other, there’s a beauty and despair in that. There’s a desire that cannot be fulfilled right away, there’s a perpetual longing. And as always, there is that black emptiness.
It is like a bruise. It’s the worst when the separation first happens, and then it slowly heals over time. Over time. Nonetheless, it is there for awhile. Maybe until you meet again. Whenever I revisit that part of my heart, I feel it as much as I feel the cold wintry weather these days. It is a remembrance I can’t forget.
I can’t ignore the difference in my life these days without you around. It is very different, how can I live like this? I wouldn’t want to get used to this. But I know clearly there’s something crucial missing in each part of the day; whether I’m up alone at 2am without our usual late night chats, or coming home expecting you to be there and suddenly realizing that you won’t be, or our adventures with the fairytale land we’ve created together…
To see you through a video is something new, it’s something I appreciate, it’s the closest I’ll have of you for now. But it accentuates even more how far away we both are, how I can see but not touch, how you are there but not really. You’re not with me, not by my side. I feel the strong emptiness in that place of my heart even more. I really wish to press through screen and let it dissolve into you, that my hand can be resting on your face. That we can reach out and hold each other. But it is not so. We’ve become pixels on a screen, reduced to flat images in cyberspace.
All I’ve got of you, I keep close to me. It’s my soul, the lightest and most beautiful part.
I miss you.
